Hold me when the fear comes, Part 5

Miles away from the mess my life once was, I stared at it in disbelieve. Entire experience was surreal. I medicated as never before finally accepting that my mind needed chemical help.

I stared at piece of my soul preserved, neatly set on the pristine table top of my new room. Gently as if the reality was oasis I trailed my fingers across smooth surface. Savoring the moment I closed my eyes and opened my lap top.

Dr. Adam was behind me I recognized his antiseptic scent.

“I have to ask” I said.

“I can’t give you the answers you seek”

“It wasn’t coincidence, right?”

“Perhaps nothing ever is” he said and the movie sequence played itself slowly down the imagination lane.

“I will leave you to it.”

“To what? You think I can…” I couldn’t dare to say it out loud. Years after I couldn’t speak about it, a grain of self hate tickled a place in my throat.

“Don’t you feel inspired?” he asked, I closed my eyes moving away from my lap top, wishing that the room had a window to at least allow my eyes to escape the moment.

Wondering do I? And yes, I had the overwhelming need to pour everything out, to process the stressful events in the only way I knew. But I couldn’t ignore life outside the shielding walls I was lucky to find myself inside.

The screams and the agony of people I knew. People who might not be people any longer.

“Maybe I’m comatose as we speak?” I said.

“Nothing is excluded, right a true madhouse this existence” he smiled getting closer, daring to touch a piece of my soul loading a video on the screen.

 “So what do you think?” he asked as the sequence started. And I stared at it doubting the trustworthiness of my eyes.

Trembling I snapped it shut. “Leave, please” I said.

“Sure. I will leave you to it.” He accepted my request and left. Making sure he closed the door, I played the video once more.

It wasn’t me. It couldn’t be me. And yet she was equally dressed, equally built…

Equally me. And she wasn’t stuck in my hiding place.

Observing the little boy and his grandfather unable to hide successfully as she did, witnessing the faceless creature approaching the trembling old man, big bright eyes of the boy who screamed.

She pulled the metal bar from the machine in her reach and she didn’t run.

She defied the fucking gravity with animalistic leap drilling the metal vertically in faceless head before her feet even touched the ground.

Than when saved ones embraced tight, she shouted “Run” and video stopped as my breathing did, as my mind did…

Part 1: https://draftuntilyoudrop.wordpress.com/2020/03/01/hold-me-when-the-fear-comes/

Part 2: https://draftuntilyoudrop.wordpress.com/2020/03/06/hold-me-when-the-fear-comes-part-2/

Part 3: https://draftuntilyoudrop.wordpress.com/2020/03/11/hold-me-when-the-fear-comes-part-3/

Part 4: https://draftuntilyoudrop.wordpress.com/2020/03/12/hold-me-when-the-fear-comes-part-4/

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